So what exactly is a “friend with benefits?” A friend with benefits is someone you get to have sex with, no strings attached. There’s no expensive dinners, no roses and no being home on time required. It is a mutually beneficial relationship with a friend or acquaintance where you don’t get to take them out on a date, but you do get to call them at 1 a.m. when the bar closes to see if they want to hook up.
Unfortunately, old sexual standards ensure that the friends-with-benefits choice isn’t really yours at the end of the day. The woman, as usual, gets to call the shots (assuming you have done your footwork). All you can do is make sure she knows that you’re willing, ready and able. This entails giving straightforward clues as to your wishes and desires to be friends with benefits.
The rules of being friends with benefits must be mutually agreeable, because if one of you isn’t getting what you want, the relationship is worthless. If one of you starts to have feelings for the other -- well you can deal with that when and if the time comes, but remember there are many things to consider when approaching a potential friend for benefits.
How do I get a friend with benefits?
Friends with benefits are sometimes very hard to find. This is because it takes an open and sexual person who is in a particular stage of their life to be up for it. You get to have a friend with benefits by asking for it indirectly -- subtlety is the key.
Test the waters
When you think that you have met a suitable ”friend,” find out where she is in her life. Lack of appropriate relationship material or a recent break up, priorities in travel or a career or simply enjoying ones freedom are all reasons why people may want to become friends with benefits and avoid the ”I love you” disclaimer. So, the conversations that you have with her should be about her attitudes toward sex, relationships (and the typical dramas that accompany them), being single and how you both find it, etc. It should be fairly easy to tell if she is open about sex, if she misses having regular sex, and if she is keen for some company.
Your next move will be to tell her about you, in charming, but not uncertain terms. Ensure that she knows you are definitely not looking for a girlfriend and that you find it such a shame that it’s so hard to find someone who is half-decent who just wants to become friends with benefits. This is all you have to do at this point (throw in a wink if you’re brave). So, now that you know where you each stand, and if she finds you attractive, you should end up in the sack shortly. A couple of one liners, preferably with a compliment slipped in there, wouldn’t go astray (avoid this strategy if you’re a lousy comedian). Basically, you want to take her home and show her what she would be missing out on if she didn’t see you again.
Set the standard
Chances are you will meet this potential friend with benefits at a party, while you’re out with other friends, drinking, and having a good time. You can’t force this relationship; it will either happen on its own or it won’t. It isn’t something you can trick or cajole anyone into. It’s a mutual decision that’s made over the course of weeks or months. When you do start sleeping together, it will probably be on the weekends, and you’ll both know that it is what it is -- and it will simply continue. The difference between a friend with benefits and a one-night stand is the magic phrase “I don’t want a girlfriend/boyfriend,” -- and smooth legs every time. As long as that is crystal clear, nothing much can go wrong.
Find out what not to do and learn the pitfalls when engaging in a friends-with-benefits relationship
What not to do
Don’t come across like a desperate horny male -- there are enough of them in the world. She wants someone who knows what he wants, is sure of himself and knows his way around the female body. Having a nice personality is very important too, especially if you are going to frequently wake up next to each other.
You can’t kick her out before breakfast. It has to be clear that you have a reasonable grasp of sexual and social etiquette and are going to treat her like an equal, not like a piece of meat. You also have to impress her just like you would any other woman, but you have to impress her in different ways, and on a whole, a lot less than normal.
You don’t need to keep repeating yourself, and don’t complain about how horny you are -- it comes across as crass. Crass men are renowned as being the ones who aren’t that good in bed, and don’t know how to treat a woman. Just because she isn’t your girlfriend doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve your respect. Don’t treat a friend-with-benefits relationship as a cheap commodity, but enjoy and cherish it for what it is -- a supremely excellent situation that you should attempt to keep as long as it’s appropriate.
Another no-no is sleeping with someone who has told you that they are looking for Mr Right. You are not him, so don’t use her. It will be so much more fun with someone who is on your wavelength. If you sense it wouldn’t work out to be mutually agreeable, don’t do it. There are plenty more fish in the sea and all that.
The pitfalls
There are some obvious potential complications to having a friend with benefits. The first is that one of you will start crushing, and one of you won’t. The inclusion of serious romantic feelings past the general affection and attraction you will both feel for each other is a problematic and regular occurrence. And it isn’t always the soppy females crashing head over heels either; guys are just as bad when it suits you. It is easy enough to do and, since we are all human and designed to connect with our lovers on many levels, it can get complicated quickly.
The other major problem is the crossing of boundaries. You don’t want her calling you at lunchtime. You don’t want an invite to her mother’s 50th birthday bash. You don’t want to go to the new restaurant downtown. You do, however, want to call her at 1 a.m. if you are in the neighborhood and you want her to do the same. You do want her to spend a Friday night in bed with you, if she hasn’t received a better offer. Because most of these rules are implied, if she oversteps the mark, you need to firmly but kindly set her straight, and hopefully she will do the same for you. It takes a decent pair of people to make this work.
Other considerations are your friends. Will they accept this? Will they know about it? Is there anyone who will have a problem with it? You don’t need anyone’s permission obviously, but it’s good to be thoughtful of the people around you and how your behavior affects them.
Potential problems
Keeping you and your friend with benefits safe is important. If you are both free to sleep with whomever you choose, it is important to protect yourselves. Do you want the mother of your firstborn to be with your friend with benefits? STD’s aren’t pleasant either, so keep them to yourself please. It would also be helpful not to sleep with anyone she knows -- despite loosely applied “rules,” you still need to have some standards of human decency. Even if she presumes you are sleeping with other women, she doesn’t want to hear about it.
bouncing buddies
Human relationships are frequently complicated, so to find a waterfall in the desert is wonderful and something that, if it goes well, you will remember with great fondness. You can have an immensely satisfying sexual relationship and friendship, with lots of affection, good sex and a laugh. It doesn’t have to be with an ”easy” woman, and you don’t have to act like gods gift or a ”player” -- just act like a person.
Be yourself and enjoy not having to act like an ass to try to score a girlfriend. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to worry if you would make a good father or if you do housework. The friend-with-benefits relationship relieves you both of the burden of finding the right partner and you can just enjoy each other as is.
